Saying goodbye to an old friend

It's difficult to say goodbye to someone you've known for so long. I mean, 18 years is a long time. It's even tougher when this little one is your family member, your kid. And yes, I'm talking about my cat.

Baeltaine had been with me since I was 22. My bf and I walked into the pet store to get something and I heard her yapping away in her overly-large crate she was in. Of course I picked her up and instantly fell in love. She was smaller than my hand and the cutest thing I think I ever had seen. Still is actually.

Well we brought her home and after some initial fighting with the other cat she settled into our household quite well. Over the years she established her area and amused us all with her antics (well, ok.. just me). When my other cat passed away I thought Bael would be sad to lose a friend. Not so much.

She loved being an only child, absolutely loved it. She could lay where she wanted, sleep where she wanted and got fed without worrying about the other cat muscling in on her. She was in charge and let me know it. She was a daddy's girl from that moment on. And I loved her as much as I could. We finally got to snuggle on the bed while I read. She loved being under the covers or covered up in a blanket "cave" I'd make up every morning before work.

She'd yell at me when it was time for food, or just if she thought I overslept. I'd often find her looking at me while I slept just to make sure I was there. I think she was always nervous I wouldn't come back or wouldn't be there when she woke up. Being a Tortoise shell, she was always a bit nervous. Especially around other people.

Most didn't know her very well because she was incredibly selective in whom she trusted. Only with me and a couple others would she hang out and talk with, however with most she ran n hid until she determined it was safe.

I recently came back from my trip and realised just how much weight this girl had lost. She was too skinny. I watched her but she appeared to be losing more weight. On Friday she stopped eating I could tell. I gave it a couple days, gave her a different kind of food, changed some things around hoping to stimulate her appetite. No dice.

On Monday I finally took her in to the vet and they ran some tests. Man was she pissed at me for taking her in. She had been furiously drinking water so I thought this could be another episode of renal failure (classic in cats). So they sent me home with a saline solution for her and would call me the next day with results.

Results came back as potential Feline Leukemia, Cancer or something else along with renal failure.. Both red and white blood cell counts were completely down, indicating something was wrong. Maybe was in the bone marrow? The only way to find out would be to run much more extensive tests but then what? do we put her on chemo, drugs, hospitalize her? At what cost to her nerves and to me?

I came home today and she was very groggy, very weak. I gave her some tuna, which she loved and ate some of that. I also gave her more IV solution and I kinda thought she perked up after that but no. She got very weak and all she wanted to do was to lay on the bed with me. Thats when I realised I had to take her in. It was her time to go. I couldn't bear to see her suffer like that. She wasn't the frisky happy kitteh anymore. She was upset and tired.. so very tired you could see it. Thats when I lost it and started to cry. It sank in that I was taking her in and that this was the last night for us to share together.

This little being has been amazing in my life. Truly amazing. I've enjoyed nearly every second she's been here and would change nothing. To this day I'm still totally in love with my little kitty as I was the first time I picked her up in the palm of my hand at the store.

I took her in today and she was euthanized at approximately 11.45. I will miss her so much. Her chatter, coming into my room and finding her in the chair ready to scold me for being late and of course snuggling right up against me at night. She kept me warm as much as I kept her warm.

Baeltaine, Rest in Peace my baby girl.
1 May 1992 - 17 March 2010

I love you.

UK, the final leg (this trip anyway)

28 February
Sunday -- cont.

I will finish up the UK portion of my blog, only a week late loll.

Sunday was a fabulous day, Very relaxed. I went back into London and met up with LW and we toured the city for a bit. I so love London. Easy to get around.. the tube! Makes SF's Muni train look like it was put together with Matchbox(™) cars by a 2 year old. Ugh!

Came back to GKs place and the next morning he made a huge breakfast for us. It was wonderful! Went sight seeing and spent 1/2 the day exploring some parts of London. I had a grand time. Oh, but then.. we had to go shopping. LW and I went off to the stores and found some fun things, had lunch and just generally enjoyed the day.

Monday morning was very harried. Took far longer to get to Heathrow than we planned for and I nearly missed my flight home. But, I made it. Was incredibly sad to leave London. Hell, the whole UK was a great deal of fun. It felt like home to me. I can't wait to go back.

So it's been a week since I've been back now. A lot of reflection and getting back into the "swing of normal life". I've done a great deal of thinking and pondering and planning and scheming and otherwise been very contemplative. My surroundings still don't feel that real to me. I have come back and started to purge, clean house, get rid of crap that I no longer need or find necessary. It's been good, but I feel distant. And it's not just the jetlag that has me.. thinking. It's many many things.

One of the things I have realised is that I no longer have a good work/play balance going on. SF keeps me hopping as far as work and then when I'm not working I'm running errands and doing chores. I'm eager to change that, eager to make some good changes in my life.