Things I used to know

I used to know how to breathe.
I used to know how to relax.
I used to know how to cope with stress.
I used to know how to approach people.
I used to be balanced and in tune with the energy around me in the universe.
I used to be Aware and Alive.
What happened?

Life happened to me. And I am just now seeing that. Life came at me full force (I asked it to) and now look what happened, I forgot some of my core beliefs. I stopped listening to the wind, to the energy around me. I stopped listening to me. And I don’t feel alive anymore.

Lately I've been in a funk. A major funk. I’m not sure what happened or how it all began. Maybe it was laying off 90 coworkers two weeks ago. Maybe it’s that I’ve been in SF for over two years and I’m still single (for a total of 6 years so far tyvm). Maybe it’s because I don’t put myself out there. Well, I do but maybe not in the best of situations. I try, but I might not be seeking those particular individuals that are good for me. I don’t know.

Ok, I do know.

Recently I realised that I am putting out the energy that I’m too desperate for attention. Some of this has been with men, some of this is just me in general, whatever the cause I’m putting out the wrong energy.

What’s holding me back from being alive is putting myself out there. Doing things. Making friends. Volunteering. I’m stuck in a rut. I’ve fashioned all of these rules for myself and rarely do I branch out.

Add to it that most gay-related events “require” you to be an alcoholic or drug user, or to stay up til 04.30am on a weekend. While dancing til dawn is a cute phrase, it doesn’t apply to those of us who love our morning time. To those of us who like getting a good workout or bit of yoga in and making a big pot of coffee and nice breakfast for our partners.

I’ve forgotten, too, that I love to go camping. I’ve forgotten that I love being outdoors and that I miss my garden time. Those things make me happy. I feel that while living in SF has been a challenge and sometimes altogether fun, it’s only enabled me to focus on the day-to-day activities vs the big picture things I want to accomplish in life. Things that make life special. Make your life unique.

As I said I’ve been in a funk. But, after talking with a friend and doing some serious meditation I’ve started to change my energy pattern, my signature if you will. I became aware I was acting as if my life was shit, when it wasn’t. I was saying to the universe “help” but realising that I didn’t need the help as much as I thought I did. Time to recreate the reality I want.

I’m changing how I see things, how I interact with the world around me. And, I’m imagining the world I want to be in. My world, and maybe (with luck) someone else’s too.

I remember those things now.